Vulva Museum

The Menstrual Cycle

2009-10-19T18:08:00.001-07:00

The Menstrual Cycle

Posted: 19 Oct 2009 12:07 PM PDT

Menstruation is the monthly shedding of the lining of a women's uterus (more commonly known as the womb). Menstruation is also known by the terms menses, menstrual period, or period. The menstrual blood—which is partly blood and partly tissue from the inside of the uterus—flows from the uterus through the cervix and out of the body through the vagina.

What is a normal menstrual cycle?

The menstrual cycle is a term used to describe the sequence of events that occur within a women's body as it prepares for the possibility of pregnancy each month. A menstrual cycle is considered to begin on the first day of a period. The average cycle is 28 days long; however, a cycle can range in length from 21 days to about 35 days.

The steps in the menstrual cycle are triggered by the rise and fall of certain chemicals in the body called hormones. The pituitary gland in the brain and the ovaries in the female reproductive tract manufacture and release certain hormones at certain times during the menstrual cycle that cause the organs of the reproductive tract to respond in certain ways. The specific events that occur during the menstrual cycle can be described as follows:

The menses phase —this phase, which typically lasts from day 1 to day 5, is the time when the lining of the uterus is actually shed out through the vagina if pregnancy has not occurred. Most women bleed for 3 to 5 days, but a period lasting only 2 days to as many as 7 days is still considered normal.
The follicular phase —this phase typically takes place from days 6 to 14. During this time, the level of the hormone estrogen rises, which causes the lining of the uterus (called the endometrium) to grow and thicken. In addition, another hormone—follicle-stimulating hormone—causes follicles in the ovaries to grow. During days 10 to 14, only one of the developing follicles will form a fully mature egg (ovum).
Ovulation —this phase occurs roughly at about day 14 in a 28-day menstrual cycle. A sudden increase in another hormone—luteinizing hormone—causes the ovary to release its egg. This event is called ovulation.
The luteal phase —this phase lasts from about day 15 to day 28. After the egg is released from the ovary it begins to travel through the fallopian tubes to the uterus. The level of the hormone progesterone rises to help prepare the uterine lining for pregnancy. If the egg becomes fertilized by a sperm and attaches itself to the uterine wall, the woman becomes pregnant. If pregnancy does not occur, estrogen and progesterone levels drop and the thickened lining of the uterus is shed during the menstrual period.

At what age does menstruation typically begin?

Girls start menstruating at the average age of 12. However, girls can begin menstruating as early as 8 years of age or as late as 16 years of age. Women stop menstruating at menopause, which occurs at about the age of 50. At menopause, a woman stops producing eggs (stops ovulating) and can no longer become pregnant, the body stops preparing the uterus for a possibly pregnancy, and the monthly menses stops.

What are some of the symptoms of a normal menstruation?

Moodiness
Trouble sleeping
Food cravings
Development of cramps
Bloating
Tenderness in the breasts

What symptoms may indicate a need to contact my doctor about my period?

Contact your doctor or health care provider if:

You have not started menstruating by the age of 16
Your period stops suddenly
You are bleeding for more days than usual
You are bleeding more heavily than usual
You have severe pain during your period
You have bleeding between periods that is more than just a few drops
You suddenly feel sick after using tampons
You think you might be pregnant—for example, you have had sex and your period is at least five days late
Your period has not returned within six weeks after stopping birth control pills and you know you are not pregnant
You have any questions or concerns about your period or possible pregnancy

Best Blonde Jokes

Posted: 19 Oct 2009 11:55 AM PDT

What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?

Nothing, they haven't met!

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What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant.

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What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

Some traffic signs say stop.

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What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?

You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

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What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.
2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it
gets blood.

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What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?

Data transfer.

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How do you confuse a blonde?

Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

How does a blonde confuse you?

She comes out and says she did it.

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Why did the blonde climb over a glass wall?

To see what was on the other side.

--

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http://kissingdictionary.blogspot.com/
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Women Secrets Revealed

2009-10-11T17:08:00.001-07:00

Women Secrets Revealed

Posted: 11 Oct 2009 09:23 AM PDT

Do you think you know women? Think again and read this
http://womensecretsrevealed.blogspot.com

--
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
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War Jokes

2009-10-10T17:51:00.001-07:00

War Jokes

Posted: 10 Oct 2009 12:35 PM PDT

War does not determine who is right but who is right

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http://hotgirlsfinder.blogspot.com

--
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
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Hot Girls Explorer

2009-09-29T17:23:00.001-07:00

Hot Girls Explorer

Posted: 29 Sep 2009 05:41 AM PDT

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http://hotgirlsexplorer.blogspot.com/
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The Fatal Woman

2009-09-27T18:08:00.001-07:00

The Fatal Woman

Posted: 27 Sep 2009 07:56 AM PDT

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--
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All About my Vagina

Posted: 27 Sep 2009 04:55 AM PDT

The Fatal Woman

2009-09-24T18:24:00.001-07:00

The Fatal Woman

Posted: 24 Sep 2009 02:14 PM PDT

Some hot views

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--
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www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com

Top Blog Search Engines

2009-09-21T18:01:00.001-07:00

Top Blog Search Engines

Top Blog Search Engines
HOT MENS JOKES
LOVE JOKES
MARRIAGES JOKES
MICROSOFT JOKES
MILITARY JOKES
Silvina Luna-Fatal Woman

Top Blog Search Engines

Posted: 21 Sep 2009 09:01 AM PDT

Hot Girls Finder
Boongle
Hot Blog Search
Hot Adult Search
Free Blog Reviews
Alt Answers

HOT MENS JOKES

Posted: 21 Sep 2009 05:50 AM PDT

MEN JOKES

http://www.althotgirls.com/
http://thefatalwoman.blogspot.com/
http://girls24.blogspot.com/
http://hotgirlsfire.blogspot.com/
http://althotmodels.blogspot.com/

A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

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A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".

The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."

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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked ... with beer.

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A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

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What does a man consider a seven course meal?

A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!"

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In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

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Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?

They won't stop to ask directions.

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10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion:

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral:

Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

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Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

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Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."

They then asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

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A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

LOVE JOKES

Posted: 21 Sep 2009 05:47 AM PDT

LOVE JOKES

http://dailylovetips.blogspot.com/
http://thefatalwoman.blogspot.com/
http://dailymarriagetips.blogspot.com/

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

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After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"

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A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

MARRIAGES JOKES

Posted: 21 Sep 2009 05:43 AM PDT

MARRIAGES JOKES

http://dailylovetips.blogspot.com/
http://blissfulmarriagesecrets.blogspot.com/

http://thefatalwoman.blogspot.com/

Marines Marriage Math

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

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A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

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A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

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A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".

The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."

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"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"

"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

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How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.

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Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

MICROSOFT JOKES

Posted: 21 Sep 2009 05:23 AM PDT

MICROSOFT JOKES

http://thewinningmind.blogspot.com/

Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"

Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside ..."

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They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows.

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No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay, Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug.

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Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"

Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."

Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

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This is Linux land. In silent nights you can hear the Windows machines rebooting.

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If Windows is the solution, can we please have the problem back?

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Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.

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Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.

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If Windows is the solution, can we please have the problem back?

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

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A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

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The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

MILITARY JOKES

Posted: 21 Sep 2009 05:13 AM PDT

MILITARY JOKES

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.

1) If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
2) If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
3) If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
4) If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
5) If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

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Number of US Guns

How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?

Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.

------------------------------------------------------

A Flat Major

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

Silvina Luna-Fatal Woman

Posted: 21 Sep 2009 05:31 AM PDT

Fatal Woman

Silvina Luna

Silvina Luna
Country : Argentina
Height : 160 cm
Measurements : 87-61-91

Silvina Noelia Luna (born June 21, 1980) is an Argentine supermodel and actress born in Rosario, Santa Fe, Argentina.

Born in the city of Rosario, Silvina Luna wanted to study drama and get a job to help her family. After finishing school at the age of 17, she moved to Buenos Aires and worked as secretary and a model. She lived in Miami for a year with a friend. Back in Argentina she entered Big Brother 2 where she became famous as one of the participants.

Now she is in the model agency of Ricardo Piñeiro and has achieved lots of her dreams. She guest-starred in some important TV Shows and loves to work on stage as a comedian.

In a recent interview she revealed that in the future, she will start singing Tango songs.

Source : Wikipedia

The Fatal Woman

2009-09-20T17:21:00.001-07:00

The Fatal Woman

The Fatal Woman
LITTLE SUSIE JOKES
LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES
LAWYERS JOKES
JUDGES JOKES
JESUS JOKES
INTELLIGENCE JOKES
HORSE JOKES
Hilarious Jokes
HEAVEN JOKES
GOLF JOKES
GOD JOKES

The Fatal Woman

Posted: 20 Sep 2009 02:54 PM PDT

For more Fatal Woman visit

http://www.althotgirls.com/

http://hotnakedcelebrities.blogspot.com/

http://hotgirlsfire.blogspot.com/

http://hottestgirlsintheworld.blogspot.com/

http://thefatalwoman.blogspot.com/

Giorgia Palmas

LITTLE SUSIE JOKES

Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:23 AM PDT

LITTLE SUSIE JOKES

http://www.laughingtonpost.com
http://jokedictionary.blogspot.com
http://bangjokes.blogspot.com

Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life."

Litte Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the
groom wearing black?"

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Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" she asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

--
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www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com

LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES

Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:18 AM PDT

LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's
room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the
bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I
need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying
on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran
to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while
moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

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One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she
decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and
showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said,
"I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls
off!"

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Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt
a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run
across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the
bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the
door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his
mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you
make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I
found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

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A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting
into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six,
no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're
telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing
left to believe in!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sam: "Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little
Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But
eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back
down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind
for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that
was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local
corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but
the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he
was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To
prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a
nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the
nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took
him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They
think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you
grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin
appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd
stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he
surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the
shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I
don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a
spanking!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire
station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke
detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class,
I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you
tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and
red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely
ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The
teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the
teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But
I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long,
yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've
got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've
got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she
cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter,
but I like your thinking!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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LAWYERS JOKES

Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:15 AM PDT

LAWYERS JOKES

http://insultsdictionary.blogspot.com
http://daily-insults.blogspot.com

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to the cinema?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and
neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're
doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm
waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of
me, do you?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal
lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted.
"We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had
$100 when we broke in!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no
longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they
will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:

1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the
attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that even rats won't do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he
recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that
lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?

They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency
room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart
transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says,
"you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to
choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a
social worker".

The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's".

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them
before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers
are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll
take the attorney's!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his
money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put
this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in
a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I
only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair
the roof of the church."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only
put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for
the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I
want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a
check for the full $30,000."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits
of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress
is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts
of legal problems."

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks
you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in,
waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others
line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and
proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the
other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers,
"What is this?"

The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.
2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it
gets blood.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they
meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into
his office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I
can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trial. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to
the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire
state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed
for contempt!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of
newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it
was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified.

She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead
lawyer on the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a
lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like
to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a
lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely
declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the
match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her
with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and
friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the
blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns
away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He
was escorted into the lawyer's office.

The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be,
so he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you charge?"

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions."

"Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?"

"Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third question?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he
had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by
the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached
the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels
and flung him over the table.

He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was
about one-tenth that hard."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in
charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our
research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you
give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and
has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to
a wheel chair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology, but was cut off.

"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the
lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with
three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten,
said simply, "I had no idea ..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "... And I don't give
any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"

LAWYERS VS ANAL SX JOKES

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it
was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified.

She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

THE LAWYER VS THE BLONDE JOKES

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like
to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

THE HONEST LAWYER JOKES

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.

MURDERER LAWYER RAPIST JOKES

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a
lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

LAWYERS VS RATS JOKES

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no
longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they
will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:

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JUDGES JOKES

Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:12 AM PDT

JUDGES JOKES

http://jokecrunch.blogspot.com
http://bangjokes.blogspot.com

Journalists Judges Juries

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was
about one-tenth that hard."

--
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JESUS JOKES

Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:03 AM PDT

JESUS JOKES

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft
voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his
imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is
watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a
cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot
said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot
said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a
parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would
name their pit bull Jesus".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus came across an adulteress crouching in a corner with a crowd
around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them and
said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly a
woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress. At
which point Jesus looked over and said, "Mother! Sometimes you really
TICK ME OFF!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster
dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its
back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad
our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his
legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad
came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

--
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INTELLIGENCE JOKES

Posted: 20 Sep 2009 10:01 AM PDT

INTELLIGENCE JOKES

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long
been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and
this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than
met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just
roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take
a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a
gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm
not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains
that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the
gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you confuse a blonde?

Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

How does a blonde confuse you?

She comes out and says she did it.

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin
appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd
stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Artificial Intelligence stands no chance against Natural Stupidity.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?

There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

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HORSE JOKES

Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:59 AM PDT

HORSE JOKES

http://tophumorblog.blogspot.com
http://daily-insults.blogspot.com

An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to the nearest town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out
a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When
they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

"Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service
station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off.

"Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says:
"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other
day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't
mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't
mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both
his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The
other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

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www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com

Hilarious Jokes

Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:46 AM PDT

NO MORE BUSH

http://www.laughingtonpost.com

Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced
that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair
and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.

Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied
"Read my lips. No more Bush"

SHOW ME YOUR LEGS

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the
erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me
$1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their
wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll
show you my thighs,".

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The
girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation
continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you
where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and
points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the
distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

MMM.....MM....GOOD

A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how
the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they
write a postcard saying how it went.

The 1st girl writes: M&M's.

Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts
in your mouth, not in your hand."

The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup.

Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, "Mmm ... mmm ... good."

3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: Ford

The mom goes to her ford jeep and reads "The best never stop."

GOLF RULES FOR BEGINNERS

Golf rules for beginners:

1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8) Don't stand directly in front of others.
9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes.

Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

JACK DANIELS VS BIG TITS

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

IRISH HARD DRINKER

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the
Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan
gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street
to see if I could do it first."

CLUMSY IDIOT

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The
man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So
the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the
way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a
concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall
on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate
love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her
bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on
her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the
floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

HOW TO STOP JERKING OFF

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at
the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then
the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine
down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and
deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on
and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was
printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid
heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical
science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed
together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples
from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated
into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it
in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same
buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following
message:

Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.

COMPUTERS VS AIR CONDITIONERS

Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you
open Windows.

HOW TO HEAR CONFESSION-FOR PRIESTS

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on',
and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says
those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"

HOW TO CONFUSE A BLOD

How do you confuse a blonde?

Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

How does a blonde confuse you?

She comes out and says she did it.

WHOM TO FIRE

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he
had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically
alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the
gardener."

PROBLEMS WITH JOHNSON

A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen
better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says,
"Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned
out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting
him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his
problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30
times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your
name isn't on it."

MAD COW DESEASE 2

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad
Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause
of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the
relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day,
but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

WINDOWS

Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"

Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."

Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

HEART ATTACK

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor
told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a
farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the
farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought
that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting
in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his
surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to
cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager
will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was
done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the
farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one
box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of
the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the
potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.

The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult
jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and
dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.

POLITICIANS VS DIAPERS

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.

They should both be changed regularly ... and for the same reason.

AFTER DIVORCE

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself."

--
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com

HEAVEN JOKES

Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:43 AM PDT

HEAVEN JOKES

http://the-daily-joke.blogspot.com

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to
accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St.
Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man,
"Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all
over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto
the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging
over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and
started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I
got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed
him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it
was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir,
it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped
over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below,
but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a
hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a
refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

A LAWYERS HELL

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he
recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that
lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

--
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com

GOLF JOKES

Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:38 AM PDT

GOLF JOKES

http://jokedictionary.blogspot.com

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and
President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?

O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over
water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated
partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's
chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3
golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home
from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his
dresser drawer.

The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every
time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the
drawer.

The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I
guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what
is the $2000 in the drawer.

The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Golf rules for beginners:

Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jim was beginning his pre-shot
routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the
clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please
back up to the men's tee, please!"

Jim was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's
tee kindly back up the men's tee!"

Jim had had enough. He shouted: "Would the announcer in the clubhouse
kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

--
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com

GOD JOKES

Posted: 20 Sep 2009 09:34 AM PDT

GOD JOKES

http://jokecrunch.blogspot.com
http://jokeempire.blogspot.com

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in
first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the
old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and
bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns
the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes
into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?"
he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots
of energy and I'm not feeliing any pain." The doctor says, "That's
nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at
night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea
what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and
went to meet their maker.

The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about
yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate
importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most
important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come
and sit at my left hand".

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton
responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most
important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at
my right hand".

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God
asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded " I
think you are sitting in my chair".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He
decided to help.

He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook
for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."

Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"

The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."

"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God
is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad
came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between God and a social worker?

God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" she asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his
wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem
ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all
the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about
it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her
under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for
you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can
have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and
her."

The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend
again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She
refused. So he said to her: "And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven,
would you follow his advise?" "Yes, I would" she said. So he asked:
"Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?" And the voice
from heaven said: "OK my friend, go ahead!" And so they had sex the
first time.

But the boy asked his friend to do him this favour every week, and he
did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father
answered: "My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in
heaven have a go!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the
"uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the
churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The
man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."

The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he
might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The
deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"

The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me
in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been
trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your mama is so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light",
he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.

--
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com

A Jesus Joke

2009-09-18T17:07:00.001-07:00

A Jesus Joke

A Jesus Joke
Satan Jokes
God jokes
Feel Good Jokes
Everyday Jokes
DRINKING JOKES
DOG JOKES
DOCTORS JOKES
DEBT JOKES
DEATH JOKES
CHILDREN JOKES

A Jesus Joke

Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:29 PM PDT

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster
dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its
back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad
our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his
legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad
came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad
we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for
Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
--
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com

Satan Jokes

Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:22 PM PDT

Get The Hell Out Satan Jokes

A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just
won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

-A Satan Joke
----------------------------------------------------------
One Dollar Bill at Church Satan Jokes

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've
you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a
cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a
while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of
stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church,
church, church."

-A Satan Joke

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Divorce or Satan in Action Satan Jokes

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself."

-A Satan Joke

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A gang of robbers Satan Jokes

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal
lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted.
"We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had
$100 when we broke in!"

-A Satan Joke
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

SATAN VS MYTHOLOGY

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.

-A Satan Joke

http://satanwire.blogspot.com/
http://kingdomofsatan.blogspot.com/

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Show me your leg-Eyes full of women Satan JOKES

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their
wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll
show you my thighs,".

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The
girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation
continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you
where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and
points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the
distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

-A Satan Joke

------------------------------------------------------------------

http://theofficialsatanblog.blogspot.com/
http://satanjokes.blogspot.com/
http://satan-online.blogspot.com/

Infidelity Satan Jokes

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3
golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home
from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his
dresser drawer.

The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every
time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the
drawer.

The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I
guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what
is the $2000 in the drawer.

The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

-A Satan Joke

http://templeofsatan.blogspot.com/
http://king-satan.blogspot.com/

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

F--UCK HE'S DEAD JOKES

A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy
working at the top acciddently knocked a brick off the 50th story,
when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to
land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss
looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick
crashed to the ground.

The boss looked up at the wroker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you laddy".

Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the
brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he
was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the
building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice,
fffffffffffffffff "FUCK HE'S DEAD"

-A Satan Joke

--
www.igituba.org
www.althotgirls.com
www.laughingtonpost.com
www.myvagina.org
www.thefreecashreport.blogspot.com

God jokes

Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:17 PM PDT

COMPUTER KNOWLEDGE

Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.

TO HIDE FROM A POLICEMAN

What not to say to the nice policeman:

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off
my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal,
forcing me to speed out of control.

VACCUUM SALESMAN

A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and,
without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and
threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this
new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the
dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I
had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity
bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a
knife and fork?"

STOP AND ASK DIRECTIONS

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?

They won't stop to ask directions.

NEW JERSEY HUNTER

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I
do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back
on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

ESKIMOS VS FRENCH

If the Eskimos have a thousand different words for "snow," does this
mean the French have a thousand different words for "surrender?"

HOW TO MANAGE A COMPANY

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is
replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have
left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if
you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes
wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it
all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the
first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He
does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales,
combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the
second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the
company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope.
The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

NEVER ARGUE WITH AN IDIOT

Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then
beat you with experience.

BEST THING TO DO TO A POLITICIAN

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one
day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful
scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living
nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the
wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you
buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all
dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how
politicians lie."

LITTLE JOHNNY AND THE MARKS

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he
surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the
shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I
don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a
spanking!"

SMACKING THE ASSHOLE

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to
frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the
asshole in the head.

IN A MEDICINE CLASS

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He
took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To
be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and
taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his
mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the
good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they
dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any
of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second
finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

HOW TO MAKE A MAN WARM FOREVER

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.

HOW LAZY WOMEN COOK

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire
station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke
detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

FOOTBALL ADDICT

After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front
of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his
wife woke him up.

"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."

He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"

THE PSYCHO PATH

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

TRICKS TO HAVE SEXX WITH GOD FEARING GIRL

A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all
the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about
it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her
under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for
you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can
have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and
her."

PRINCESS FROG

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog
pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll
stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and
puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give
you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back
in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you
great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you
great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss
a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a
talking frog is pretty neat."

A BAG FULL OF FRUITS

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class,
I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you
tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and
red."

NOW YOU'RE FUC*KED

There was a prostitute on the beach without any arms or legs, and
crying. A man came along and asked her what the matter was. She tells
him that she has not been hugged before, so he picks her up and hugs
her.

The next day she is still there crying, the same man comes along and
asks her what the matter is. She tells him that she has not been
kissed before, so he picks her up and kisses her.

The next day she's still there crying, and same man comes along again.
He asks her sternly what the matter is and she tells him that she has
not been fucked before. So the man picks her up, walks to the end of
the pier, and throws her in the sea and says: "Now you're fucked."

YOU'RE NEXT

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my
aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals.

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Feel Good Jokes

Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:22 PM PDT

Feel Good Jokes

Programming is like sex:

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

SOCIAL WORKER VS MUGGER

A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your
life!" says the mugger.

"I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I
have no money and no life."

LOTTERY JOKES

A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just
won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

MAC JOKES

MERITS OF HAVING A WIFE

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits
of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress
is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts
of legal problems."

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

PREPARE THE ENVELOPES

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope.
The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

MEETING RULES FOR MANAGERS

1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you
as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -
it's what everyone is waiting for.

FREE HOTLINE 4 MATH PROBLEMS

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

MATHEMATICIANS VS PHISICIST

A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not
connected to the hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put
out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put
out the fire.

Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and
saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on
fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.

CUTE MAP READING

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the
teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23
degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east
longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

MICROSOFT SUCKS

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the
day they start making vacuum cleaners.

HOW TO BECOME A GREAT WRITER

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to
become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the
whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain
and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

MICROSOFT TECH SUPPORT

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple
of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is
fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out.
He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel
and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening
in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the
fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open
window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies:
"You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275
degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's
runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and
die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did
it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building
a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but
absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support
office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of
87 degrees."

MICROSOFT WINDOWS CD

They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic
messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will
install Windows.

FAMILY OF MOLES

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful
spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of
the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the
hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole
ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple
syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole,
was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."

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Everyday Jokes

Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:13 PM PDT

Everyday Jokes

http://www.laughingtonpost.com

OLD ITALIAN MAFIA DON JOKE

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his
bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45
automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really
don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od
bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be
with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and
say, "TIMES UP"?

HOW TO LOVE A WOMAN JOKE

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for
you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you
to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a
brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a
nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you
Lord, that Was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and
now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So
the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the
bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord,
that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done
well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked,
"What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions
and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he
reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"

THE ASSASSIN MANAGER JOKE

The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult
jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and
dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.

WHATS A PERIOD JOKE

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little
Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But
eventually his turn came.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself."

HONEYMOON JOKES

A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how
the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they
write a postcard saying how it went.

The 1st girl writes: M&M's.

Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts
in your mouth, not in your hand."

The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup.

Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, "Mmm ... mmm ... good."

3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: Ford

The mom goes to her ford jeep and reads "The best never stop."

HURRICANES VS WOMEN JOKE

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them.

MATHEMATICIAN VS PHYSICIST JOKE

A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not
connected to the hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put
out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put
out the fire.

Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and
saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on
fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.

WHO IS THE IDIOT JOKE

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said
the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the
teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you
standing up there all by yourself."

BLONDE VS COMPUTER JOKE

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

You only have to put information into a computer once.

VISITING AFGHANISTAN JOKE

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that
since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind
their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist
asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

KILLING VS FUCKIN JOKE

Killing for peace is like fucking for virginity.

WHY NOT TO KILL JOKE

Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?

THE LAW OF PHILOSOPHY JOKE

The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an
equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.

http://www.laughingtonpost.com

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DRINKING JOKES

Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:11 PM PDT

DRINKING JOKES

http://thelovemanual.blogspot.com

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the
bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded
to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and
said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan
gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street
to see if I could do it first."

http://thelovemanual.blogspot.com

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DOG JOKES

Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:09 PM PDT

DOG JOKES

http://www.laughingtonpost.com

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets
in, he starts swinging his dog around.

Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.

The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a
woman howling on the front porch?

The dog shuts up when you let it in.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London
during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to
find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed
a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed
woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat,
hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog?
Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty
British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her
comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over
... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The
woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man
sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ...
you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out
the window."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the
bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free
drink?"

The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal,
toilet's right down the hall."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid
heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come
to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of
traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the
thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns
blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of
his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding
your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find
out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

http://www.laughingtonpost.com

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DOCTORS JOKES

Posted: 18 Sep 2009 02:08 PM PDT

DOCTORS JOKES

http://www.laughingtonpost.com/

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a
choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the
Architect's brain which would cost him £10,000 or the Politician's
which was £100,000.

"Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the
Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.

"not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."

The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's".

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them
before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers
are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll
take the attorney's!"

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only
put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for
the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I
want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a
check for the full $30,000."

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified.

She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked
behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a
co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and
exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his
patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty
because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his
patients.

However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have
sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another
voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't
veterinarians ...

http://www.laughingtonpost.com/

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DEBT JOKES

Posted: 18 Sep 2009 07:11 AM PDT

DEBT JOKES

BEST TIME TO REPAY A DEBT JOKE

http://thedebtkiller.blogspot.com/

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly,

armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling

for everyone to freeze.

While several of the robbers take the money from

the tellers, others line the customers, including the

lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take

their wallets, watches, and other valuables.

While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams

something into the other lawyer's hand. Without

looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What

is this?"

The first lawyer replies, "It's the $100 I owe you."

http://thedebtkiller.blogspot.com/

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DEATH JOKES

Posted: 18 Sep 2009 07:08 AM PDT

DEATH JOKES

http://tophumorblog.blogspot.com/

If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to the cinema?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First guy proudly: "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed
when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party. "But why?" asked his
puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through… Why change now?"
The man leaned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of
them that died and not one of us."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you know what the death rate around here is?

One per person.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and
nobody laughs at you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I
do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back
on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy
working at the top acciddently knocked a brick off the 50th story,
when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to
land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss
looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick
crashed to the ground.

The boss looked up at the wroker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you laddy".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I
suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting
for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm
never going to stand in line again!"

http://tophumorblog.blogspot.com/

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CHILDREN JOKES

Posted: 18 Sep 2009 07:06 AM PDT

CHILDREN JOKES

http://tophumorblog.blogspot.com/

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God
is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

http://tophumorblog.blogspot.com/
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Giorgia Palmas, Hottest Tits Ever!?

2009-09-17T17:22:00.001-07:00

Giorgia Palmas, Hottest Tits Ever!?

Giorgia Palmas, Hottest Tits Ever!?
HOT WOMEN JOKES
INSULT JOKES
COMPUTER JOKES
CONDOM JOKES
CARS JOKES
HOT BLONDE JOKES
Bill Clinton Jokes
MENSTRUATION JOKES
ASS JOKES
ANIMAL JOKES
Adult Jokes
ADAM AND EVE JOKES

Giorgia Palmas, Hottest Tits Ever!?

Posted: 17 Sep 2009 10:11 AM PDT

Giorgia Palmas, Hottest Tits Ever!?

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Giorgia Palmas

Giorgia Palmas

Country : Italy

Height : 171 cm

Measurements : 84-60-88

Giorgia Palmas (born on 5 March 1982 in Cagliari, Sardinia) is an Italian television personality. She became famous by appearances in the Italian television show Striscia la notizia.

Palmas began her career in the year 2000, winning second place at Miss World, losing out to Miss India Priyanka Chopra. In 2001, she was in Buona Domenica, as a microfonina. In 2002, she won the television show Veline, becoming the brunette velina, in pair with Elena Barolo, the new blonde velina. For two television seasons, 2002/2003 and 2003/2004, she was a velina in Striscia la notizia, gaining her a lot of popularity. After leaving Striscia la notizia she appeared in Italia 1 summer edition of Lucignolo, with Elena Barolo. In September of the same year she was in Rai 1 show, I Raccomandati. She was chosen to be testimonial of "Cotton Club" brand underwear. In February 2005, she appeared in a photoshoot on Max Magazine. In June 2005 she was in CD Live Estate on RAI 2. She has been confirmed also for the next season.

Source : Wikipedia

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HOT WOMEN JOKES

Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:27 AM PDT

HOT WOMEN JOKES

www.althotgirls.com
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www.myvagina.org

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
bathroom door. One evening,

while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my
door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow
to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she

runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on
the door, make my penis touch

the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The
subject of the day is involuntary

muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks
the woman if she knows what her

asshole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the
ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a

huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
say things to insult

passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him
a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke
her, comfort her, protect her, hug

her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her,
stand by her, support her, go to the

ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked ... with beer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a dog howling on the back porch, and a
woman howling on the front

porch?

The dog shuts up when you let it in.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam
stayed out very late for a few

nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on
earth." The quarrel

continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone
poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's
lamp. She picked it up and

rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked
if she was going to receive

the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low
wages in third-world countries, and

fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these

countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These
countries have been at war for

thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can
be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able
to find the right man. You know,

one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the
housecleaning, is good in bed and gets

along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good

mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!"

Conclusion:

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange

woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral:

Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that
since the fall of the Taliban,

wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now
walking ten paces in front. The

journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a
packet of bacon, a small bag

of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet
you're single, aren't you?"

"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"

"Because you're really ugly," replied the man.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his
wife had been to him and how

fortunate he was to have her.

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem
ungrateful or anything, but ... why

did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an
examining room and waits for

the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and
finds him not gaining much weight

and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh ... he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc
starts pressing, kneading and

pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and
thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: "No
wonder this baby is so hungry. You

don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: "Well of course I
don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure

glad I brought him in!"

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INSULT JOKES

Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:19 AM PDT

INSULT JOKES

http://insultsdictionary.blogspot.com
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http://www.laughingtonpost.com

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for
about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle
cop writing a parking ticket ...

So, I goes up to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished
the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled
insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The
man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So
the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the
way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a
concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall
on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate
love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her
bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on
her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the
floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, "I
wish I had bigger tits".

The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue
and rub it between your tits for 2 months".

"How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend.

"Well it worked for your ass" says the boyfriend.

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COMPUTER JOKES

Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:15 AM PDT

COMPUTER JOKES

http://www.laughingtonpost.com/

WINDOWS JOKES

Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you
open Windows.

MICROSOFT VS GM JOKES

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to
the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy
a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you
would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on
five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set
of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they
neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or
more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the
Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

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CONDOM JOKES

Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:11 AM PDT

CONDOM JOKES

http://thewinningmind.blogspot.com/

HOW TO OFFER CONDOLENCES TO A WIDOW JOKE

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten
out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her
daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the
world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her
daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the
Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she
undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of
black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks,
"Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my
body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the
same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in
his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a
black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black
condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

WOMEN VS CONDOMS

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

BUYING A CONDOM JOKE

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms.
The cashier asks, "What size?"

The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and
measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the
fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the
other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the
man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it
be? Small, medium, or large?"

The man replies, "To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of
that fence back there!"

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CARS JOKES

Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:07 AM PDT

CARS JOKES

http://jokeempire.blogspot.com/

CHEAPEST PLACE TO PARK A CAR IN NYC JOKE

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan
officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need
some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was
parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and
the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An
employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and
parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled.
While you were away we checked and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow
$5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

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HOT BLONDE JOKES

Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:05 AM PDT

BLONDE JOKES

http://daily-insults.blogspot.com/

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some
tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." and the
other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and
argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit
them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?

Nothing, they haven't met!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

Some traffic signs say stop.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?

You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.
2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it
gets blood.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?

Data transfer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you confuse a blonde?

Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

How does a blonde confuse you?

She comes out and says she did it.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

-----------------------------------------------------

Why did the blonde climb over a glass wall?

To see what was on the other side.

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Bill Clinton Jokes

Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:03 AM PDT

Bill Clinton Jokes

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Bill Clinton Abortion

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one
of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the
President.

"It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?"

"Just go ahead and pay it."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and
went to meet their maker.

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God
asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded " I
think you are sitting in my chair".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a
$10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten
$1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then,
I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred
people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw
all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

------------------------------------------------------------------

SAFE SEXX ACCORDING TO BILL CLINTON JOKE

What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?

When Hillary is out of town.

BILL CLINTON VS HOLES JOKE

Did you know that O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinsky, Ted Kennedy, and
President Bill Clinton are all avid golfers?

O.J.'s a slicer, Monica's a hooker, Ted Kennedy can't drive over
water, and Clinton can't seem to hit the right hole!

THE CLINTONS AT A RESTAURANT JOKE

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's
special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, HE'll have the fish." Hillary replies.

HOW TO BECOME CLINTON'S FIRST LADY JOKE

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?

She wants to be the first lady.

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MENSTRUATION JOKES

Posted: 17 Sep 2009 08:00 AM PDT

Beautiful Jokes

http://insultsdictionary.blogspot.com/

NASA JOKES

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost
any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

THE BAD NEWS JOKES

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they
meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into
his office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I
can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

SEXTATISTICS JOKES

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion:

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.

Moral:

Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

THE FU*CKING MAP JOKES

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's
lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual
three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low
wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can
only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each
other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not
THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able
to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes
to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets
along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fucking map!"

PENGUINS JOKES

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of
penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with
penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the
truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls
the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins
to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"

RECTAL THERMOMETER JOKES

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked
behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a
co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and
exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

MENSTRUATION JOKES

"It's a period" reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man
next door shot himself."

WHERE TO SPIT JOKES

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.

FIGHTING 4 3RD GRADE JOKES

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon
as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I
should be in third grade!"

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please
take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I
don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and
the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first
grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions
that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon
discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals
that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ... "What does a
cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher.

"Legs!" Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants
that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.

"Pockets!" said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in
third grade, I missed those last two questions!"

A VIRUS NAMED WINDOWS JOKES

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay,
Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does
that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running
on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and
they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug.

SCREWING THE REPORTER JOKES

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad
Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause
of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the
relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day,
but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

DEAD LAWYER JOKES

What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead
lawyer on the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

LAWYERS VS TERRORISTS JOKES

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?

They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.

UGLY BUYER JOKES

A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a
packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at
the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"

"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"

"Because you're really ugly," replied the man.

GOLFER VS SKYDRIVER JOKES

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.

UFO'S VS BLONDES JOKES

What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?

You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

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ASS JOKES

Posted: 17 Sep 2009 07:53 AM PDT

A*S*S JOKES

http://jokedictionary.blogspot.com/

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?

His as*s.

The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of
his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding
your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find
out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other,
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going
to lose my fucking ass!"

Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ...
If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking
car!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your mama is so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light",
he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.

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ANIMAL JOKES

Posted: 17 Sep 2009 07:50 AM PDT

ANIMAL JOKES

HUNGRY ALLIGATORS JOKE

http://jokeencyclopedia.blogspot.com/

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent
mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming
pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with
hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an
executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO.
So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage
to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to
the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job,
my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO
on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone
turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool,
swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and
makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls
himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing.
I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond
measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who
the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

JESUS IS WATRCHING YOU JOKE

MOTHER MOLE JOKE

THE BLIND MAN AND HIS DOG JOKE

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets
in, he starts swinging his dog around.

Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.

The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

A SHOPPING RABBIT JOKE

A rabbit came to a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller
answered, "Noub!" The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got
any carrots?" The seller retorted, "No!" Next day the rabbit came and
asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "NO! And if you come
again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall
by your ears!!!"

Early the next morning rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?"
The seller answered, "Noub!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"

LONELY FROG JOKE

A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the
Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal
Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her,
at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

SEXX WITH A PARROT JOKE

A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an
old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything
crazy in your life?"

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk
one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

MAD COW DESEASE JOKE

So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said,"I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on
the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

RIDDING BAREBACK JOKE

An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to the nearest town.

"Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service
station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off.

"Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..."

HOW TO GET A FREE DRINK JOKE

A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the
bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free
drink?"

The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal,
toilet's right down the hall."

LAB RATS JOKE

What did one lab rat say to the other?

I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the
buzzer, he brings me a snack.

MARATHON SEXX SESSION JOKE

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his
patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty
because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his
patients.

However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have
sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another
voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't
veterinarians ...

THE MEANING OF BOSS JOKE

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on
the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks
the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a
computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs
1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do
plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot
to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the
question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be
honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him
boss!"

HOW TO PROTECT MONKEYS JOKE

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the
ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare
into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The
man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him
a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

HOW TO KILL A FISH JOKE

How does a blonde kill a fish?

She drowns it ...

CAPTAIN KANGAROO JOKE

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

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Adult Jokes

Posted: 17 Sep 2009 07:48 AM PDT

Adult Jokes

http://jokeuniversity.blogspot.com/

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he
had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically
alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the
gardener."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting
into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Programming is like sx:

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an
old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything
crazy in your life?"

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk
one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

Some traffic signs say stop.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid
down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he
insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a
decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you
otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my
buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand
that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether
you're here or not."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

Conclusion:

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in
the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.

Moral:

Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Tell me a bedtime story."
"Fuck you."
"That's my favourite."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy
looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a husband and a wife who had a very good sex life ... at
least the wife thought so. The only problem with it was that the
husband always had to have the lights off when they made love. So one
day the wife decides to suprise him and turns the lights on in the
middle of it.

She realizes her husband is using a cucumber!

She asks him if this is what he has been using their entire marriage.
He replies "Yes." She becomes angry and starts screaming at him,
calling him a "stupid cheating bastard."

He looks at her and says, "I'm the stupid cheating bastard? Explain
our 4 kids!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and
nobody laughs at you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them.

However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have
sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another
voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't
veterinarians ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him
back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for
the bedroom.

Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the
room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly
smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed
animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase.

After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother has 3 girls, they all got married, but she wants to know how
the sex is, so she says that after the night on the honeymoon, they
write a postcard saying how it went.

The 1st girl writes: M&M's.

Puzzled, the women buys a pack of M&M's and reads the slogan "It melts
in your mouth, not in your hand."

The 2nd girl writes: Campbell's soup.

Again the mom buys some cambles soup and reads, "Mmm ... mmm ... good."

3 weeks pass and the 3rd girl finally writes: Ford

The mom goes to her ford jeep and reads "The best never stop."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Killing for peace is like fu*cking for virginity.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog
pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll
stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and
puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give
you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back
in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you
great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you
great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss
a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a
talking frog is pretty neat."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Definition of por-nog-raphy:

Reading material to be held in *one* hand

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ADAM AND EVE JOKES

Posted: 17 Sep 2009 07:45 AM PDT

ADAM AND EVE JOKES

http://the-daily-joke.blogspot.com

After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He
decided to help.

He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook
for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."

Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"

The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."

"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam
stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on
earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be
awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for
you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you
to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a
brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a
nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you
Lord, that Was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and
now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So
the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the
bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord,
that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done
well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked,
"What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions
and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he
reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"

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How To Get A Girlfriend

2009-09-15T17:09:00.001-07:00

How To Get A Girlfriend

Posted: 15 Sep 2009 11:23 AM PDT

How To Get A Girlfriend

Finally, a fool proof method to get the girl you want! Read on

To get a girlfriend is one of the hardest accomplishments for many men, even pickup artists. So the question remains, how do you get a girlfriend? If you've yet to meet women, you should do that first. This guide is for guys or pickup artists who are casually involved with a woman and want them as their girlfriend. Because hey, once you meet a cool woman, you should learn how to keep her.

Step 1: How To Get A Girlfriend

First, you must understand that what works with pickup, does not necessarily work when you want a girlfriend. You should understand that on the whole, you need to be less "jerky" and more understanding in a few areas. I'm not advocating turning into a wuss and doing everything your girlfriend wants, far from it. I'm saying, if you want a girlfriend, you should start doing the things that a girlfriend expects. Share more feelings with her, open up with her on a less superficial level, and spend more time pleasing her into the bedroom than just yourself. A quote from Neil Strauss, "If you want a woman to be your girlfriend, then make sure she has a constant supply of orgasms. If you're missing that, then your girlfriend will likely leave soon."

Step 2: How To Get A Girlfriend

Second, you should definitely start involving her with other parts of your life. If you start seeing a woman three or more times a week you should realize that she might expect more than just a casual hookup. This is in your court, so don't make the mistake of saying "shes getting real clingy" when you've clearly been giving her those signals yourself. When you start to invite her to activities with your family, friends or work, you should realize that you are sending this woman signals that you want her to be your girlfriend.

Step 3: How To Get A Girlfriend

Third, you should now start putting off the vibe that she's more important to you than before. If you want a woman to be your girlfriend, start treating her the way a woman should be treated in public. There's no harm in being honest, and this is actually a super alpha male trait. By being honest with her, by saying something like, "I think you're great. If I play my cards right, you'll trick me into having you as my girlfriend." (With a BIG smile) Gauge the interactions, you can usually feel when a commitment of some sort is about to hit the fan.

Lastly, be mellow about the whole situation. Never act clingy – this is a unattractive quality that comes from scarcity and jealously. Let her bring up the girlfriend situation by herself. Trust me, if you're providing value to her life, she'll want to be your girlfriend. Give this at least a few months of dating, and never be predictable during that time. Follow the basic rules of pickup, until you're ready for the commitment of having her as your girlfriend. Then when you're ready come back and follow these rules to get a girlfriend.

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Les Secrets de l'Amour- Tout sur l'Amour, la Seduction, Les Relations Sexuelles

2009-09-14T18:30:00.001-07:00

Les Secrets de l'Amour- Tout sur l'Amour, la Seduction, Les Relations Sexuelles

Posted: 14 Sep 2009 07:31 AM PDT

Les Secrets de l'Amour- Tout sur l'Amour, la Seduction, Les Relations Sexuelles

L'avis des femmes : Un homme peut séduire n'import...
Selon les femmes : Séduire c'est contredire
L'avis des femmes : les atouts séduction
Comment aborder une femme-ce que conseillent les f...
Comment danser lorsque l'on ne sait pas
Comment draguer en boite
La règle des 3 secondes
Comment faire une sodomie
Du Film d'Amour à la réalité
Coucher avec une femme -9 conseils pour une premiè...
Plaire aux Femmes-La Conversation Plaire aux femmes-Le Look
Comment Seduire une Fille-Parler sexe
Coucher avec une femme -9 conseils pour une premiè...
Plaire aux Femmes-La Conversation
Plaire aux femmes-Le Look
Comment Seduire une Fille-Parler sexe
Coucher avec une femme : 9 conseils pour une premi...
Comment faire jouir une femme
Fellation-L'inciter à descendre plus bas
L'Acte FClose : Analyse
Coucher Avec Sa Meilleure Amie
La vérité sur les Aphrodisiaques
Comment faire un cunnilingus
Comment Seduir Une Fille-Programmation Neuro Lingu...
Caresser une femme
Les Signaux Sexuels Cachés
L'effet de miroir
Les sujets de conversation avec une fille
Les Neg-Hits : la séduction qui dérange
L'art de faire de bons compliments
Comment bien utiliser le langage du corps
Commencer une conversation – les "openers"
Mystery Method ou séduire comme un pro
Comment bien faire l'amour
Comment embrasser une fille
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Comment Seduire Une Fille ou Femme-7 Phrases de drague qui marchent

Posted: 14 Sep 2009 07:26 AM PDT

Les Secrets de l'Amour- Tout sur l'Amour, la Seduction, Les Relations Sexuelles

D'habitude, la phrase de drague « tout fait » n'est pas une pratique que nous vous recommandons pour draguer une femme. Pourquoi ?

Parce que son usage laisse supposer que vous ne possédez ni l'intelligence ni le charme nécessaires pour la faire succomber –ou du moins faire en sorte qu'elle vous remarque. La phrase de drague (ou "opener") a aussi tendance à passer pour une technique vieillie et bidon, et ce auprès de toutes les femmes, de l'étudiante à la strip-teaseuse, en passant par la MILF. Nous préférons donc vous encourager à utiliser votre créativité et votre esprit afin que les femmes, sous votre charme, fassent tomber leurs dessous, plutôt que d'essayer de les mettre dans votre lit à coup de répliques choc.

Mais à titre exceptionnel pour cet article, nous reconnaissons que la phrase d'accroche possède ses qualités. Cependant, nous nous concentrerons sur les formules brise-glace plutôt que sur les répliques bidon. Notre but n'est pas de garantir le succès de ce type d'approche, mais simplement de vous fournir la motivation nécessaire pour aborder une belle femme. Un opener efficace peut mener au succès, car il permet d'engager la conversation, de relâcher la tension et même de la faire sourire.

En général, l'opener peut être utilisé partout et dans toutes situations, ce qui est idéal pour les environnements où vous vous sentez intimidé. Si pour vous, entamer la conversation est un challenge, une phrase d'accroche efficace est peut-être votre seule solution. Après tout, vous n'avez rien à perdre et tout à gagner.

Voici 7 openers efficaces, à tester la prochaine fois que vous partez en chasse.

7 « Est-ce que cette chaise est prise ? »

Innocent, charmant, poli. Il peut être dangereux de supposer immédiatement qu'une femme assise à côté d'une chaise vide est seule. Mais là, vous avez pris en compte le fait qu'elle garde peut-être la place pour quelqu'un, et cela montre que vous avez de la classe. Ce qui fait l'efficacité de cette approche est qu'elle n'est pas envahissante, et laisse à la femme la possibilité de vous inviter tacitement à vous joindre à elle si elle est seule.

6 « Vous venez souvent ici ? J'aurais besoin de votre avis sur… »

Attendez, ne recrachez pas votre perrier par le nez. Oui, cette phrase d'accroche a l'air bidon. Mais vous pouvez faire en sorte qu'elle marche pour vous. Si vous avez du mal à choisir un plat, une boisson, ou un vêtement, c'est le moment de solliciter l'aide d'une femme qui peut s'avérer connaître le lieu en question. Si vous vous appuyez ensuite sur son choix ou son opinion pour commencer une conversation, vous verrez que c'est finalement une des phrases d'accroche les plus simples et efficaces.

5 « Pouvez vous m'aider à… »

C'est là que vous trouvez un petit service qu'elle peut vous rendre, comme vous aider à gagner un pari avec vos amis, trouver le nom de la chanson qui passe, ou commander à manger si vous êtes dans un pays étranger. Cela peut la réjouir en lui donnant l'impression qu'elle est utile. Par ailleurs, si elle se retrouve à vous rendre un service, vous la mettez inconsciemment dans une position plus soumise et donc plus réceptive à votre game.

4 « Vous ne trouvez pas que cet endroit est… ? »

Ajoutez un mot qui décrit au mieux votre avis sur le lieu, comme classe, cool, chic, génial… Avec un peu de chance, elle partagera votre opinion, ce qui mènera ensuite à poursuivre la conversation sur l'ambiance, le décor, les endroits où vous êtes déjà allés, etc. Attention cependant : ne vous plaignez pas. Cela risquerait de la mettre dans un mauvais "vibe" et de la refroidir plus vite qu'un film d'Eddie Murphy.

3 « On dirait que vous avez envie d'une conversation passionnante …»

Avec le ton qu'il faut, et assez d'audace, cela la fera sourire. C'est une approche très "cocky & funny". En plus de briser la glace, cet opener très efficace crée spontanément un sujet de conversation qui peut être tout et n'importe quoi: la nourriture, le vin, un événement en cours ou le lieu où vous vous trouvez. A vous de choisir. Le tout est de rester intéressant, comme vous lui avez promis ! : )

2 « J'adore ce (insérez ici vêtement ou parfum) que vous portez. »

Les femmes font des efforts pour préparer une tenue qui reflète comment elles se sentent et comment elles veulent être perçues par les admirateurs. Par conséquent, votre compliment lui dira que ses efforts ne sont pas passés inaperçus. Ce geste simple lui donnera confiance en elle et vous donnera accès à une conversation de premier ordre. Faites quelques recherches, armez-vous d'informations relatives à la mode féminine pour paraître sincère lorsque vous mettrez en action cet opener.

1 « Je voudrais juste vous dire que vous avez un ravissant… »

Bien sûr, vous pourriez dire là quelque chose de désobligeant, mais n'abordez pas direct avec un neg, attendez les premiers échanges. En revanche, la complimenter sur un trait de son visage comme son sourire, ses yeux, ou son nez, peut l'amener à s'ouvrir suffisamment pour entamer une conversation avec vous. Qui a dit que la flatterie ne menait à rien ? La clé est de vous assurer que votre observation est sincère. Les femmes savent repérer les hommes qui en font des tonnes juste pour pouvoir s'approcher.

Souvenez-vous tout de même: il n'y a rien de séduisant dans une réplique bidon. Essayez : en un battement de cils, elle vous aura éjecté. En revanche, être fin et confiant dans votre façon de complimenter peut facilement vous faire passer à un niveau supérieur avec la fille. Si la flatterie demeure votre mode d'action, surtout n'en faites pas trop. Les compliments doivent être délicats et faits avec légèreté pour marcher.

On Success Quotes.

2009-09-12T18:36:00.001-07:00

On Success Quotes.

On Success Quotes.
Shakira Isabel Mebarak Ripoll
Ana Kournikova
Success Quotes
Quotes for Self-Motivation
Humorous Quotes on Love-Relationships
Seven Deadly Enemies That Stop You From Reaching Your Goals
Benefits of Laughing

On Success Quotes.

Posted: 12 Sep 2009 12:49 PM PDT

This success quote from our estimated reader. More quotes and inspiration here
www.the-daily-joke.blogspot.com
www.thewinningmind.blogspot.com
www.dailysuccesssecrets.blogspot.com

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Subhashita Manjari <noreply-comment@blogger.com>
Date: Sat, 12 Sep 2009 11:56:46 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: [IGITUBA] New comment on Success Quotes.
To: bangambiki@igituba.org

Subhashita Manjari has left a new comment on your post "Success Quotes":

Success is never final. Failure is never fatal.

Posted by Subhashita Manjari to IGITUBA at September 12, 2009 11:56 AM

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Shakira Isabel Mebarak Ripoll

Posted: 12 Sep 2009 03:03 AM PDT

Shakira

Shakira Isabel Mebarak Ripoll (born: February 2, 1977) known simply as Shakira, is a Colombian singer-songwriter, musician, record producer, dancer and philanthropist who has been a major figure in the pop music scene of Latin America since the mid-1990s. She is a native Spanish speaker and also speaks fluent English, Portuguese, Italian, and some Arabic. In 2001, she broke through onto the English-speaking world with the release of Laundry Service, which sold over thirteen million copies worldwide.Shakira is the highest-selling Colombian artist of all time, having sold more than 60 million albums worldwide, according to BMI.She has also won numerous awards worldwide, including two Grammy Awards, eight Latin Grammy Awards, fifteen Billboard Music Awards, three MTV Video Music Awards, a People's Choice Award and receiving a Golden Globe nomination. She is also the only artist from South America to reach the number-one spot on the Billboard Hot 100, the Australian ARIA chart, the United World Chart and the UK Singles Chart.

According to the United World Chart, Shakira is as of 2008 the sixth most successful artist so far for the last decade, in terms of single sales. She is also the first, and currently only, artist to have two songs in the top ten of the most successful singles since 1999.Los Angeles Times declared Shakira "the most completely adapted crossover performer in contemporary pop music".
Shakira will be awarded with a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, making her the first Colombian to receive this honor.

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Ana Kournikova

Posted: 12 Sep 2009 03:01 AM PDT

Ana Kournikova

Anna Kournikova

Anna Sergeevna Kournikova (Russian: Анна Сергеевна Ку́рникова, born 7 June 1981) is a semi-retired Russian professional tennis player and model. Anna Kournikova's celebrity status made her one of the best known tennis players worldwide. At the peak of her fame, fans looking for images of Anna Kournikova made her name (or misspellings of it) one of the most common search strings on the internet search engine Google.

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Success Quotes

Posted: 12 Sep 2009 02:43 AM PDT

Success Quotes

Success has different connotations for different people. While for
some it may mean making lots of money, to others it could mean
achieving one's goals in life, and for still others, it is about
fulfilling one's potential. No matter how one may define success, one
of the best ways to keep oneself on track is reading the success
quotes written by some of the best thinkers and successful people in
the world. Given below are some of the most profound success quotes,
which can keep one motivated to strive to achieve it.

"Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream
of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part
of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea
alone. This is the way to success, that is the way great spiritual
giants are produced." - Swami Vivekananda

"Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you
know you can lose." - Tom Crause

"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." Sven Goran Eriksson

"Success is simple. Do what's right, the right way, at the right
time." - Arnold H. Glasgow

"They can because they think they can." - Virgil

"Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to
become the person you believe you were meant to be." - George Sheehan

"Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from
achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong
mental attitude." - Thomas Jefferson

"Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect.
There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect
conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you
will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more
self-confident and more and more successful." - Mark Victor Hansen

"Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition
you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained
the struggle against overwhelming odds." - Orison Swett Marden

"Keep steadily before you the fact that all true success depends at
last upon yourself." - Theodore T. Hunger

"You are the embodiment of the information you choose to accept and
act upon. To change your circumstances you need to change your
thinking and subsequent actions." - Adlin Sinclair

"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a
captive of the environment in which you first find yourself." - Mark
Caine

"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." -
Robert Collier

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success.
If you love what you are doing, you will be successful." - Herman Cain

"The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief
in a thing makes it happen." - Frank Loyd Wright

"You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play
better than anyone else." - Albert Einstein

"There is only one success--to be able to spend your life in your own
way." - Christopher Morley

"Success is focusing the full power of all you are on what you have a
burning desire to achieve." - Wilfred Peterson

"Success comes in cans; failure in can'ts" - Unknown Author

"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack
of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will." -
Vince Lombardi

"Success means doing the best we can with what we have. Success is the
doing, not the getting; in the trying, not the triumph. Success is a
personal standard, reaching for the highest that is in us, becoming
all that we can be." - Zig Ziglar

"The road to success is always under construction" Lily Tomlin

"Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation,
perspiration and inspiration." - Evan Esar

"For true success ask yourself these four questions: Why? Why not? Why
not me? Why not now?" - James Allen
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Quotes for Self-Motivation

Posted: 12 Sep 2009 02:42 AM PDT

Quotes for Self-Motivation

Self-motivation quotes can be used as important tools to help us reach
and obtains our goals. When talking about motivation, one of the main
things to do to make sure that you stay on the right path is to
constantly speak to yourself in an encouraging tone and use positive
words. And what better way to motivate yourself than by using
self-motivating quotes?

People choose different types of self-motivating quotes to empower
themselves and to give themselves that much needed inspiration and
enthusiasm to meet targets and achieve goals. While some choose to
focus on inspirational and religious quotes, others prefer to listen
to quotes that solely deal with business success. The important thing
however is to choose those quotes that make a difference to you.

Here are some quotes that work as self-motivation:

"Build upon strengths, and weaknesses will gradually take care of
themselves." - Joyce C. Lock

"Things will happen in your life that you can't stop, but that's no
reason to shut out the world. There's a purpose for the good and for
the bad" – Walter Sparrow, Now and Then.

"People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that
they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the
first secret of success." - Norman Vincent Peale

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you
have imagined."- Henry David Thoreau

"If you have the courage to begin, you have the courage to succeed."-
David Viscott.

"Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning."-
Winston Churchill

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole
staircase, just take the first step." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

"The abundant life does not come to those who have had a lot of
obstacles removed from their path by others. It develops from within
and is rooted in strong mental and moral fiber."- William Mather
Lewis.

"Courage is about doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no
courage unless you're scared" – Eddie Rickenbacker.

"One of the most courageous things you can do is identify yourself,
know who you are, what you believe in and where you want to go." –
Sheila Murray Bethel.

"For every person who doubts you, tells you you will fail, try twice
as hard to prove them wrong." – Anonymous.

"Above all, challenge yourself. You may well surprise yourself at what
strengths you have, what you can accomplish." – Cecile Springer.

Don't' let the low times keep you down. Learn from them and reach for
the high times." – David Wiemers.

"Being committed to some goal in your life – a sense of having a
mission, a purpose, even a calling – is a very motivating, very
comforting thing. Some people's mission steps up to greet them, others
have to hunt theirs down." – Anonymous.

"Square your shoulders to the world, be not the kind to quit; It's not
the load that weighs your down but the way you carry it." – Anonymous.

"Accept everything about yourself. I mean everything. You are you, and
that is the beginning and the end; No apologies, no regrets." – Clark
Montanas.

"If you believe in yourself, things are possible." – Shannon Macmillan.

"The biggest mistake you can make is continually fearing you will make
one." – Anonymous.

"If you want to accomplish anything in life, you can't just sit back
and hope it will happen. You've got to make it happen." – Chuck
Norris.
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Humorous Quotes on Love-Relationships

Posted: 12 Sep 2009 02:41 AM PDT

Humorous Quotes on Love/Relationships:

"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love."
- Albert Einstein

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That
must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste." - David Bissonette

"What the world really needs is more love and less paper work." - Pearl Bailey

"You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its
accessories." - Melanie Clark

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to
his success." - Jim Backus

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two
plumbers, and a bartender." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming." - Jimmy Carter

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Seven Deadly Enemies That Stop You From Reaching Your Goals

Posted: 12 Sep 2009 02:40 AM PDT

Seven Deadly Enemies That Stop You From Reaching Your Goals

What prevents your from achieving your goals? Find out all about the
enemies of personal goal setting!

Enlarge ImageEverybody on this planet has enemies, rivals and foes.
Call them any way you like, but nevertheless they exist, chasing you
at every step you make. Nobody knows where they come from, but the
fact of their existence was detected on the planet and still nobody
knows completely the effective remedy from them. They spoil our lives;
put the spokes in our wheel, making tricky endeavors to distract us.
The biggest nuisance they cause is that they prevent us from reaching
success in life. The only way out of this situation is to disclose
them and to wipe them out once and for all.

You'll be surprised to know that those enemies live within you.

Our greatest enemies, whom we must chiefly combat live inside of us.
So, what are those crafty enemies that hold us back from reaching our
goals?

7 Deadly Enemies of Your Goals

Enemy #1
For 33 percents of people it is shortage of time. They claim that 24
hours are always not enough for everything they have planned. Time is
of the essence, they say. And they try their best with 24 hours and
manage their time vary carefully, but in any case they constantly feel
the lack of time. Time is an illness causing fatigue.

Enemy #2
For 11 percents it is lack of motivation. These people feel that they
don't achieve their goal, because they don't know exactly why they are
aiming at it. As a result, they don't know how to persuade their mind
to achieve that goal. More often these people are satisfied with small
achievements.

Enemy #3
For other 33 percents of people it is lack of persistence. These
people just go with the stream, because they lack decisiveness and
perseverance. They can't get over the difficulties, they easily give
up and refuse from their dreams.

Enemy #4
For 22 percents the major enemy is their uncertainty. They don't know
what their goals are. These people just don't know what they want to
get from this life. Their life is one big question-mark for them.

Enemy #5
For some people it is fear, because they afraid to fail and get
frustrated. They get angry with themselves when they don't fulfill
their goals.

Enemy #6
For other people it is laziness. These people just idle and don't want
to make any effort to achieve their goals.

Enemy #7
Finally, for some people it is a lack of opportunity. Some people are
deprived of the opportunity to exhibit their talents and gifts.
Success is people-dependent factor. Often most of aspiring people are
driven away form their dreams on account of opportunity factors.

A common enemy of ours is the surrounding: jealous and envy people who
put obstacles on our way to success.

Now you know your enemies by their faces, so it will be easier for you
to fight against them.

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Benefits of Laughing

Posted: 12 Sep 2009 02:39 AM PDT

Benefits of Laughing

Everyday you must be laughing for different reasons. Have you ever
noticed, how you feel relaxed after laughing? There are a number of
health benefits of laughing and that's why, laughter is stated to be
the best medicine.

Every person laughs several times a day for different reasons - after
hearing a joke, watching a comedy movie or reading a comic book. Humor
is one of the important senses that human being is blessed with.
Laughing expresses a feeling of happiness. Humor and laughter are
contagious and they cause a cumulative effect of amusement and joy. In
addition, they offer a number of positive health benefits.

Laughter makes it easier for us to cope with different challenges in
life. It improves and strengthens our immune system and helps prevent
a number of diseases. Laughter therapy can be used to cure several
diseases such as hypertension, ulcers, arthritis, stroke, diabetes and
even heart diseases. It offers good relaxation and helps you relieve
stress and depression. Read on to know about benefits of laughing in
detail.

Benefits of Laughing

Laughing is not just related to facial expressions, but it causes a
number of chemical changes within the body. Good hearty laughter helps
release enzymes and hormones that are helpful for normal functioning
of various organs. This is due to a connection between laughing and
stimulation of brain and different glands. Laughter enhances the body
to release natural antihistamines. It also activates T-cells, a
natural anti-biotic produced in the body. It helps boost the immune
system and fight infections. It prevents numerous diseases by
strengthening the immune system.

Laughter reduces the levels of certain hormones, namely cortisol,
growth hormone, epinephrine and dopac, which are associated with
stress response. Thus it helps relieve stress, depression, anxiety,
grief, anger and irritation. Laughing also decreases pain by releasing
a hormone, endorphins. It improves our attentiveness, pulse and heart
rate.

Laughing is proven to be very beneficial for the people suffering from
hypertension. It helps lower the blood pressure to normal. Laughing
causes deeper breathing and increase in blood flow, due to which
oxygen and essential nutrients are supplied to all body parts.

Laughter is a good workout for respiratory, abdominal, leg, back and
facial muscles. It tones intestinal functioning, massages abdominal
organs and strengthens abdominal muscles. This activity is
advantageous for digestion as well as absorption. Laughter also helps
burn calories and is beneficial for weight loss.

In addition to physical health benefits, laughing offers several
psychological health benefits. It boosts self-confidence and gives
mental strength to cope with conflicts and challenges in life. It also
helps us come out of anxiety and depression. It improves out mental
health and makes us forget all the tensions in our daily busy lives.

Laughing enhances our ability to connect with others. It also causes a
number of behavioral changes. It makes us energized and increases our
interest in daily activities.

Laughing also offers many social benefits. A person with a smiling
face is always popular amongst a group. It lessens the distance
between two individuals and brings them together. It increases healthy
communication with others.

Laughter positively affects many aspects of your life, including your
health, well-being and energy, leading to a healthy, quality life. So
always smile, it improves your face value too.